“So, if you wake up one morning and it’s a particularly beautiful day, you’ll know we made it. Okay, I’m signing out.”
I thought waking up on a particularly beautiful day not on this world would mean a beautiful day.
This is from Sunshine (2007). One of my favorite movies ever. Plus, Cillian Murphy is a BABE. I know the film is considered a flop but it’s so good despite the questionable ending and I don’t care who says otherwise, haha. Just the music playing when Capa does his last transmission is what I was thinking of/“playing in my head” while I was on that cliff. It’s one of my favorite movies ever.
I even was imagining/playing the final song from Midsommar, too. Called “Fire Temple” from the soundtrack. In the final scene where you finally just get relief from all of life and just simply FEEL IT, even amongst the most absurd things. I remember being confused by the end the first time I watched it but I get it now.
Both movies are such polar opposites, many think. But the endings of both films are done in explosions and flames. Both the main characters accept what’s happening and find peace in that. That was my goal Tuesday morning when I attempted to kill myself.
I’ve been watching a lot of movies. Hey, I totally forgot how good and solid the new Planet of the Apes trilogy is. Who wants to see the new Empire addition with me!? Listening to so much music. Oh, the music. I love I have had an experience being at a Sigur Ros show but annoyed I haven’t been to a Godspeed You! Black Emperor show yet, haha. How good is Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs? I still think the music video for that song is so emotional. Also one of the best music videos ever made, in my opinion. Because they played and filmed the show/video at a school gymnasium and Karen O expected her partner to be there but he wasn’t so that’s why she’s so emotional and it’s why I can relate to this video much in many ways. (I hope I have the story right.) Anyway, I have shows planned to go to for this summer and I am so excited for it. Even one I’m going to at Coors Fields and Cheap Trick will be there which I’m especially stoked for. The music. I’ve been ashamed of my music taste for forever because it’s been all over the place but I don’t care anymore. Like it goes from loving Celine Dion and Dolly Parton to loving Converge and Alcest to being obsessed with the John Williams stuff from movies. Plus the artists I mentioned above. And so many more. Oh, if I can go to a Baroness show at the Black Sheep someday… Dream come true!
It’s just weird how much music plays in your head when you’re about to kill yourself.
I’m trying to figure out the ultimate point of this post but, yeah, if you haven’t seen my social media, I tried to kill myself the other day.
Lots of things have piled up and, after years and years of thinking about it, I woke up super early Tuesday morning, spent about 20 minutes waking up and checking my phone, and just had a “that’s it, I’m done” moment. I left home, got in my car, just brought my little backpack with some water and Gatorade, hiked one of my favorite little trails to the summit of Mt. Cutler but there’s a ridge east of the summit that leads to a cliff edge. I sat on that cliff edge for almost an hour, I think? 45 minutes at least. And I inched closer and closer each few minutes. Fully intent on eventually standing up and leaping. I even spent a lot of time writing an extremely long “goodbye letter” to post on Facebook that was scheduled to go up at 6AM. I even slipped at one point and am so glad I had good holding with my hands to maintain myself and not go just yet. Something told me I had to watch the sunrise first before I went through with my choice. I think it was my dad. Or, I’d like to think so. Because the sunrise was absolutely beautiful and the birds were going crazy and it reminded me so heavily of a hike I did last time I was in Iowa, along the Cedar River, and the birds were going nuts during the morning. Because of how set I was on my intentions, I would have jumped before the sunrise. I am so glad I watched it. And heard and felt the birds singing.
There’s a really weird and bad “high” to come down from something like that. Especially since the cliff is right off one of my favorite trails ever. So now I’ll think of that moment every time I even hike that super popular (and favorite of mine) trail and I’m not sure if that’s a memory I want to have now. I’m safe and I’m okay. I promise. I’m still “going through it” but I know this is just a bad season of life, like my mom said.
I think my ultimate point is don’t do it. I debated HEAVILY about sharing anything about this moment online because, yeah, I like to post a lot online but this felt incredibly embarrassing and personal. I’m so glad I did, though. Because the stories that have flooded my DMs has been shocking. And I don’t mean shocking as in I don’t like that you shared them, but I’m SO GLAD you shared them. Just shocking in the number of stories but also knowing I’m not actually alone has been huge for me. That you trusted me with your stories and also just me not feeling so alone. Thank you for telling me everything you felt comfortable saying.
One last thing I wanted to share was how much I fucking love seeing y’all and the stuff you all share. I am an “uncle” to so many kids and that alone was a huge reminder the other morning. I love seeing all of you raising your kids and having your own lives grow together. And obviously that includes people who don’t have kids. I love seeing your lives, too!
Thank you all for existing because that’s why I exist.
ToneDeafVoice 